Telos

It was over a year ago when we reconnected. I saw him online and we started talking that night. He gave me his number but I didn't text him until a month later. By then, he was already seeing someone. It's my fault. I only contacted him because I wanted to have fun at the time. We talked anyway. A lot. Until things got unexpectedly out of control.

By August, they had broken up. No, it wasn't because of me but I sure was there a lot for him. Every time he talked about that guy it hurt like hell. It wasn't until that fateful night up to dawn of September 3 when I confessed everything. The feeling was not mutual but he wanted to give it a chance. From then on, my perspective changed drastically. It's like I was morphing into someone else, better I hoped. I considered everything to be part of growing up.

The months to come were far from easy. He's very difficult to figure out. One moment he's there, he's gone the next. The good times were good but the bad times were really bad. I don't think I've ever cried over someone as much. Then again, this is someone whom I've thought of spending the rest of my life with.

We tried. In fact, we tried and we tried and we tried. Hard. Unwavering. Stubborn if you want to put it that way. The last 10 months or so, I was either really crazy or was only being faithful. My hopes outweighed the odds, the doubts.

Now, we're giving it a shot yet again. I wonder though, if I can do it. "Genuine friendship." I never thought I'd dislike such words. He said we should start fresh. I don't know what to feel really. What I know though is I have to completely get over him and perhaps myself too in order to really "start fresh". And I can't wait to do just that. I can't wait to see his name and not feel anything. I can't wait to be able to pass up a chance of seeing him. I can't wait to feel and do much better.

Not You Too

Don't blame me if I've been holding on for this long. It happened to be so much worth it. You're worth it. You made a promise and I look forward to the day you fulfill it.

I miss you so much. There's no hour in a day that I don't think about you. I miss you eventhough I have doubts. I think of you wondering if you're thinking about me too. It's painful, yes. But I'm not losing my faith now. I'm not losing you.

Sad Sunday

I feel like I'm going to burst into a full breakdown any moment soon. I feel so alone. Do you know how it feels to have many friends but not one can be with you when you need them the most?

Then there's that person whose word you have but not his presence. The person who can make it all better or make it all worse. The one who's supposed to be different. I want to be inspired, not pressured.

Just when tears fell from my eyes, the phone rings. My folks.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Losing Myself

This is good. I'm caring less. Like what I said to a good friend, I can't keep believing in something that always fails me.

All this time I've been patient. I've been hopeful. But at this point, I'm too tired to even care. I'd be lying if I say it makes me happy though. In fact, the thought that I'm now getting used to this kind of disappointment is extremely sad. It's tiring. It really is.

Like A Broken Record

They come. They Go.

The good thing is I'm getting used to it. I'm starting to learn to not expect too much. The bad thing is this may go on, and on, and on, and on.

They Come. They go. Rinse. Repeat.

Hopeful

The problem with me is I always want the things that I cannot get. It’s like I constantly challenge myself to a losing game. It’s probably because no matter how naïve, cynical and jaded I seem to be, whether I admit it or not, there’s always that hopeful little kid in me who firmly holds on to the thought of happy endings.

Blueball Dating

Why does this always happen? Just when you thought everything is going fine, it goes kaput all of a sudden.

Are people just being nice to me and I'm just vulnerable or am I just really that unlucky? Seriously, it's tiring.

They always say it'll come when you least expect it. Does that mean that my time will never come if I do expect or anticipate for the rest of my life? Now that's just depressing.

It never happens does it? How you imagine it to be. So I don't know why I'm still here waiting for your response.