Chistmas is a drag, and I have "love" to blame.
Today is christmas, the 25th, the day. This afternoon, I cried rivers and oceans. All because of an insensitive prick. I give up. I'm tired of covering up. This christmas is far from being merry. I'm giving up on having a "good" christmas, and I'm giving up on my hopes of reviving a relationship that's long dead. It's seemingly beyond repair.
I'm so fucking tired of hoping, of expecting, of praying (yes, praying), of waiting. I'm sick. Gawd. I'm of being sick.
I gave up too much. I believed too much. Now, I'm left alone. All because of somebody out there who probably doesn't even think of me.
It's so fucking hard living your life while your mind is constantly haunted by your past and your heart seems to be pierced thru by a double-edged sword everytime you're reminded of everything. God, listen to me. Who would've known I'd be this way. I mean, I intended to be single my whole life. AND THEN, someone came along... and left.
Great. Fucking great.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
*Sigh*
This life is bittersweet. But sometimes it’s just so hard to taste the sweetness when your insides turn because there’s just too much bitterness.
Friday, September 29, 2006
I’m in hell and I haven’t even died… yet.
September 21, 2006
1:55 AM
I’m so tired. I really don’t know how much more I can take. It’s nice to think that this will pass and I will soon emerge victorious but it seems like I have been down for so long I don’t even know how it feels to be happy.
As teardrops are streaming down, I can’t help but feel so much pity for myself. I have never been so humiliated in my life. And a big part of it is my fault. Once again, my stupidity and vulnerability got the better of me. I really shouldn’t trust/believe people that easily. Watch my ego, confidence, and self-esteem burn.
It’s doubly hard when it’s over but you know it’s forever scarred you and you’re losing hope. How do you move on and push yourself up when mental pictures of the devil flash constantly and it’s engulfing you by and by?
I thought I was strong. I’ve never been so wrong. I’m weak as I ever could be. There’s nobody I can run to, no one to tell my story to. Nothing. I prayed. But I guess something so bad doesn’t come off that easily. I have an open wound that is constantly poked and it hurts so much it makes me numb. Even my whole body is tensed in shock, disbelief and shame.
This is one of those moments when you ask; WHY? WHY ME? WHY THIS? And end up with no answers. You assume that it might be something for the better. Then you ask another question; do I really have to endure this much pain just to be happy? God, I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. I’ve been struggling to be better but everything is just so gloomy.
I hate myself. I hate being me. Nobody has a single idea how hard it is to be me.
Honestly, I’m so sick of being sick, so tired of being tired. I’m so fed up with having to talk about this and having to write this. Haven’t I cried too much already? Haven’t I hurt enough? I do not have that much to be robbed of what’s left of me.
I wish I never had to care. I wish I never had to let other people affect me. I hope I can stop everything to hurt me like this.
At this point, it’s like I want to protect myself from myself. This is getting uncontrollable and I’m afraid I might self-destruct any moment. I want to think that tomorrow will be a better day but I’m just so hopeless to entertain that thought. I don’t want get disappointed anymore. I’ve had enough disappointments to last me a very long time and more of that might make me snap. Well, what more can I expect? Even I disappoint myself.
Now tell me I’m going to be okay; that everything’s going to be fine; that I will come out as a better person; that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.
It IS already killing me.
I need help but I can’t have it.
Like what I always say, this lifetime is getting too exhausting. I need a new one.
(Shit. I don’t want to end my life miserable but I just can’t avoid thinking of suicide.)
1:55 AM
I’m so tired. I really don’t know how much more I can take. It’s nice to think that this will pass and I will soon emerge victorious but it seems like I have been down for so long I don’t even know how it feels to be happy.
As teardrops are streaming down, I can’t help but feel so much pity for myself. I have never been so humiliated in my life. And a big part of it is my fault. Once again, my stupidity and vulnerability got the better of me. I really shouldn’t trust/believe people that easily. Watch my ego, confidence, and self-esteem burn.
It’s doubly hard when it’s over but you know it’s forever scarred you and you’re losing hope. How do you move on and push yourself up when mental pictures of the devil flash constantly and it’s engulfing you by and by?
I thought I was strong. I’ve never been so wrong. I’m weak as I ever could be. There’s nobody I can run to, no one to tell my story to. Nothing. I prayed. But I guess something so bad doesn’t come off that easily. I have an open wound that is constantly poked and it hurts so much it makes me numb. Even my whole body is tensed in shock, disbelief and shame.
This is one of those moments when you ask; WHY? WHY ME? WHY THIS? And end up with no answers. You assume that it might be something for the better. Then you ask another question; do I really have to endure this much pain just to be happy? God, I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. I’ve been struggling to be better but everything is just so gloomy.
I hate myself. I hate being me. Nobody has a single idea how hard it is to be me.
Honestly, I’m so sick of being sick, so tired of being tired. I’m so fed up with having to talk about this and having to write this. Haven’t I cried too much already? Haven’t I hurt enough? I do not have that much to be robbed of what’s left of me.
I wish I never had to care. I wish I never had to let other people affect me. I hope I can stop everything to hurt me like this.
At this point, it’s like I want to protect myself from myself. This is getting uncontrollable and I’m afraid I might self-destruct any moment. I want to think that tomorrow will be a better day but I’m just so hopeless to entertain that thought. I don’t want get disappointed anymore. I’ve had enough disappointments to last me a very long time and more of that might make me snap. Well, what more can I expect? Even I disappoint myself.
Now tell me I’m going to be okay; that everything’s going to be fine; that I will come out as a better person; that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.
It IS already killing me.
I need help but I can’t have it.
Like what I always say, this lifetime is getting too exhausting. I need a new one.
(Shit. I don’t want to end my life miserable but I just can’t avoid thinking of suicide.)
Saturday, July 22, 2006
My Demon Days
July 23, 2006
11:50 AM
For weeks now, ever since I've gone back from Manila, my emotions have been eating up my life. My heartaches have gotten the better of me. I feel like I'm dying and I feel so helpless. Self-pity is a bitch and it slaps me hard on the face almost every moment that I wake up in the morning.
It's so painful to lose what you've had for almost a year and a half. Memories linger not only in my phone, my room, my closet, but worse, it's in my heart and mind.
I've never cried so much in a long time. What's even worse is that I can't share this to anybody but myself. I feel so alone, and I admit that I have been very lonely these past weeks. There would be moments when I'd laugh my heart out but internally tearing up of so much misery.
I miss the times when I was happy. I miss the times when I 'd share everything to this person. I miss the times when we'd laugh out loud. I miss the times when we'd cry together. I miss the times when we were in each other's hearts. I miss the times when we were together not physically, but spiritually. This is a cheese fest, I know. But I can't help it. I was lured to enter this world of happiness so true, yet so shallow, and sadness so real, and so painful.
When was the last time that I was ever happy anyway? I don't know, but it was somewhere during the time when this person was still with me.
We had something seemingly so good. Now, I'm doubting if it was even real. Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of crying, of being alone, of being hurt, of giving but not having anything in return but pain.
I've lowered my standards and expectations, broadened my sensibilities, and learned to accept things that normally I won't take. But where am I now? I ended up miserable, feeling awful, longing for things that I will never have.
It's really shitty.
I'm really exhausted.
I don't know how much more I can take.
God, if only I can manipulate my emotions and memory, I'll open up my mind and heart, remove all the hazards that have been crippling me and throw it all out to the wind.
I'm full of wrath right now. But mostly, it's really emptiness. And I don't know how to fill that void without hurting myself or others.
11:50 AM
For weeks now, ever since I've gone back from Manila, my emotions have been eating up my life. My heartaches have gotten the better of me. I feel like I'm dying and I feel so helpless. Self-pity is a bitch and it slaps me hard on the face almost every moment that I wake up in the morning.
It's so painful to lose what you've had for almost a year and a half. Memories linger not only in my phone, my room, my closet, but worse, it's in my heart and mind.
I've never cried so much in a long time. What's even worse is that I can't share this to anybody but myself. I feel so alone, and I admit that I have been very lonely these past weeks. There would be moments when I'd laugh my heart out but internally tearing up of so much misery.
I miss the times when I was happy. I miss the times when I 'd share everything to this person. I miss the times when we'd laugh out loud. I miss the times when we'd cry together. I miss the times when we were in each other's hearts. I miss the times when we were together not physically, but spiritually. This is a cheese fest, I know. But I can't help it. I was lured to enter this world of happiness so true, yet so shallow, and sadness so real, and so painful.
When was the last time that I was ever happy anyway? I don't know, but it was somewhere during the time when this person was still with me.
We had something seemingly so good. Now, I'm doubting if it was even real. Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of crying, of being alone, of being hurt, of giving but not having anything in return but pain.
I've lowered my standards and expectations, broadened my sensibilities, and learned to accept things that normally I won't take. But where am I now? I ended up miserable, feeling awful, longing for things that I will never have.
It's really shitty.
I'm really exhausted.
I don't know how much more I can take.
God, if only I can manipulate my emotions and memory, I'll open up my mind and heart, remove all the hazards that have been crippling me and throw it all out to the wind.
I'm full of wrath right now. But mostly, it's really emptiness. And I don't know how to fill that void without hurting myself or others.
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