July 23, 2006
11:50 AM
For weeks now, ever since I've gone back from Manila, my emotions have been eating up my life. My heartaches have gotten the better of me. I feel like I'm dying and I feel so helpless. Self-pity is a bitch and it slaps me hard on the face almost every moment that I wake up in the morning.
It's so painful to lose what you've had for almost a year and a half. Memories linger not only in my phone, my room, my closet, but worse, it's in my heart and mind.
I've never cried so much in a long time. What's even worse is that I can't share this to anybody but myself. I feel so alone, and I admit that I have been very lonely these past weeks. There would be moments when I'd laugh my heart out but internally tearing up of so much misery.
I miss the times when I was happy. I miss the times when I 'd share everything to this person. I miss the times when we'd laugh out loud. I miss the times when we'd cry together. I miss the times when we were in each other's hearts. I miss the times when we were together not physically, but spiritually. This is a cheese fest, I know. But I can't help it. I was lured to enter this world of happiness so true, yet so shallow, and sadness so real, and so painful.
When was the last time that I was ever happy anyway? I don't know, but it was somewhere during the time when this person was still with me.
We had something seemingly so good. Now, I'm doubting if it was even real. Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of crying, of being alone, of being hurt, of giving but not having anything in return but pain.
I've lowered my standards and expectations, broadened my sensibilities, and learned to accept things that normally I won't take. But where am I now? I ended up miserable, feeling awful, longing for things that I will never have.
It's really shitty.
I'm really exhausted.
I don't know how much more I can take.
God, if only I can manipulate my emotions and memory, I'll open up my mind and heart, remove all the hazards that have been crippling me and throw it all out to the wind.
I'm full of wrath right now. But mostly, it's really emptiness. And I don't know how to fill that void without hurting myself or others.
