September 21, 2006
1:55 AM
I’m so tired. I really don’t know how much more I can take. It’s nice to think that this will pass and I will soon emerge victorious but it seems like I have been down for so long I don’t even know how it feels to be happy.
As teardrops are streaming down, I can’t help but feel so much pity for myself. I have never been so humiliated in my life. And a big part of it is my fault. Once again, my stupidity and vulnerability got the better of me. I really shouldn’t trust/believe people that easily. Watch my ego, confidence, and self-esteem burn.
It’s doubly hard when it’s over but you know it’s forever scarred you and you’re losing hope. How do you move on and push yourself up when mental pictures of the devil flash constantly and it’s engulfing you by and by?
I thought I was strong. I’ve never been so wrong. I’m weak as I ever could be. There’s nobody I can run to, no one to tell my story to. Nothing. I prayed. But I guess something so bad doesn’t come off that easily. I have an open wound that is constantly poked and it hurts so much it makes me numb. Even my whole body is tensed in shock, disbelief and shame.
This is one of those moments when you ask; WHY? WHY ME? WHY THIS? And end up with no answers. You assume that it might be something for the better. Then you ask another question; do I really have to endure this much pain just to be happy? God, I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. I’ve been struggling to be better but everything is just so gloomy.
I hate myself. I hate being me. Nobody has a single idea how hard it is to be me.
Honestly, I’m so sick of being sick, so tired of being tired. I’m so fed up with having to talk about this and having to write this. Haven’t I cried too much already? Haven’t I hurt enough? I do not have that much to be robbed of what’s left of me.
I wish I never had to care. I wish I never had to let other people affect me. I hope I can stop everything to hurt me like this.
At this point, it’s like I want to protect myself from myself. This is getting uncontrollable and I’m afraid I might self-destruct any moment. I want to think that tomorrow will be a better day but I’m just so hopeless to entertain that thought. I don’t want get disappointed anymore. I’ve had enough disappointments to last me a very long time and more of that might make me snap. Well, what more can I expect? Even I disappoint myself.
Now tell me I’m going to be okay; that everything’s going to be fine; that I will come out as a better person; that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.
It IS already killing me.
I need help but I can’t have it.
Like what I always say, this lifetime is getting too exhausting. I need a new one.
(Shit. I don’t want to end my life miserable but I just can’t avoid thinking of suicide.)
